Rent Boy Page 12

  “Bullshit” he murmured back and then went back outside.

  Mum was out shopping so she would not have heard this. But a few minutes later Bob stormed back inside and slammed the back door behind him with such force that I knew there was trouble headed my way. My immediate thought was “oh no, what now....?” He pushed open my bedroom door with great force, grabbed my head and threw me onto the bed. Without a second to spare he pulled my pants down. I couldn’t believe what he was doing, I think I was just having a bad dream. Then he grabbed a pair of pliers from his back pocket and put it down my pants. I started or tried to scream but my throat closed up from the terror that nothing came out. He then proceeded to gently squeeze my testicles until I screamed loud and clear. He did it again. Again I screamed and begged him to stop. He did. He then stood up with pride and said

  “I just had to see if you really had balls.....you pussy faggot!”

  Then he calmly strolled out of my room without closing the door. He walked out the backdoor but this time not slamming it. It was like he just had a therapeutic rush and sexually abusing me like that made him feel better. I was stunned and just went back to me desk, laid my head on my desk and cried my eyes out. Who would believe me if I told anyone? I just could not bear to confront my own mother about this, it would kill her. But one thing’s for sure, he is not going to get away with. After this incident I felt like my skin has now become so thick that it’s time I stood to him. I swore and oath to myself that that was the last time. No more. No more tears. If anything, from now on it will be tears of joy. But I swear, if he does touch me again, I will kill him; literally. It was time for action. My agenda list was growing starting from earning lots of cash so I can live on my own, passing year 12, getting into university, pursuing a career in film, travel and..........revenge. I wanted to make him suffer and will do whatever it takes to pay him back, even if it’s his death

  Soon it was already early October and we were preparing for our VCE (HSC) exams. The pressure was on and I handled it pretty well. Once we finished our exams it was in the lap of the gods and we wouldn’t receive our results until January so until then it was party time. There were many parties being planned. Many wild ones. We also arranged a Chicken and Champagne breakfast down by the nearby river. Only the cool kids were allowed. The guys had to dress up in the girl’s school uniform and vice versa, it was a traditional event for year 12 graduates. The parties went on practically every day for the next week that included hangovers on a daily basis too. But hey, we’re only young once.

  As I finished my school year and completing my full secondary education, mum and Bob wanted to reward me. They gave me a choice of either a car or a trip to Europe. I chose the trip with excitement. I had been overseas before when our family, with Bob, about two years ago when we went to Fiji. So I was familiar with the process of preparing to go overseas but was apprehensive. The reason was that I would be on my own however I had the opportunity to stay with relatives in Austria. My Auntie Annie and Uncle Michael lived in Salzburg, Austria and they were delighted that I was coming to stay with them. So later I departed for Austria flying direct from Melbourne to Vienna. I planned to go for a couple of months but be back in time for my planned 18th birthday party in late January and my eagerly awaited exam results and university offers.

  As we were descending down into Vienna, I looked outside my window on the plane and was in absolute awe of the magnificent scenery. It looked like a postcard or travel brochure. The magical alpine views and the quaint Viennese houses looked spectacular and really felt like I was arriving in Europe. I was excited but very jet lagged. Annie and Michael were ecstatic to greet me at the airport. As they lived in Salzburg we took the train from central Vienna into Salzburg and all I remember was that both Annie and Michael were talking non- stop to me in German and broken English about what activities they had planned for me as I kept nodding off to sleep. So I barely got any of their conversation. I was so tired it wasn’t funny. I don’t think Annie appreciated that I kept falling asleep and I got the impression she was offended as she may have thought I was trying to ignore her but I wasn’t. I was just tired. So I didn’t worry about it then. Stay tuned though. I will explain the issue with Annie later on.

  When we arrived at their house in Salzburg it woke me up. It was the most beautiful Austrian style mock Tudor house with snow on the roof and surrounding the garden. It looked like a winter wonderland. They said that it was unusual for them to have so much snow at this time of year and they gave the impression they hated snow. But I loved it, I have only seen snow a couple time before but this was pure white fluffy snow. It was the most beautiful sight. Annie made it evident that they thought I was strange that I loved the sight of snow. But coming from a generally warm climate like Australia, this was a novelty to me. She just didn’t understand why I liked the sight of snow. It was all new to me. She thought I was weird. But I didn’t care, however I did care that I was getting a bad vibe from her and thought that I’d better be on my toes with her around. Michael was more down to earth though.

  The next day a couple of my second cousins came over. Well, I think they were introduced to me as my second cousins, anyhow, they are related to me in some way. Anyway besides that, I had never met them before so this was a real occasion. There was Gunter who was about my age and pretty cool and then there was Ibella who was about a year older and she also was an attractive cool character. Gunter and Ibella offered to take me out clubbing that night and I obliged. I don’t think Annie approved of this as I heard Michael and Annie arguing in German about this which I thought was strange as I am young and I can’t always sit at home with my Aunty and Uncle all the time. But Michael just said to me to go out and have a good time. Michael was quite relaxed about it.

  We ended up in a couple of clubs and this was really my first exposure to any club scene at all. The Austrians, or any Europeans for that matter were so friendly and when I spoke to total strangers in the clubs I talked about my home country Australia. They were captivated and enthralled by this because I have come from such a long way. However their image of Australia is kangaroos, outback desert and koalas. Quite often I would have to set the record straight and say “Yes, we do actually have electricity!” The Austrians are massive beer drinkers and I did not want to offend so I had to accept drinks one after the other even though I was getting totally sloshed. Even though the club scene was new to me I felt so comfortable in there, like it was a world you could escape to and the music just had to move you. Europe seemed to be in forefront of club music and you could sense that even though I was a ‘freshman’ to this atmosphere. I didn’t expect to have so much fun and after we realised we better head home he said “Just wait until we get to Paris, then you will know what clubbing is really about”. I knew we were headed for fun times and I was ready to let my hair down. It was time to come out of my shell.

  We ended up in me coming home at 6 am. Annie was not happy. She acted strange though and was telling Michael off and not me directly. She thought I didn’t speak much German so she argued with Michael in German. However I understood a little and picked up some words like ‘trouble-maker’ and ‘selfish’. This had to be noted and I would tell my mum upon returning. I think Annie is mentally unstable. I tried to stay clear from her as much as possible. I think her issue was that my German was not that great and she took a lot of offence to that. She also seemed to think I had no manners and what offended me the most was the day I heard Michael and Annie talking in the kitchen in German. Now I realise that my German is not perfect but I am sure I heard Annie call me feminine or something like I ‘act like a girl’. I hope I heard incorrectly, but I don’t think so. This really hurt. I have had to endure stress and disapproval of my stepfather and coming to Europe thinking I could escape that torment even just for a while, but I am still being superficially judged. I am sick of it. I just want to be me and I deserve a break. I told myself that once I return home, and now that I have developed a thicker ski
n, I would go all out. Fuck the rest of the world, I’m gonna have fun and get what I did not get when I was a kid, love and respect. The fact is, I never had love and respect from a male figure. It never occurred to me until now in present time that perhaps that’s why I am gay. I wanted respect and admiration for just once in my life and I don’t care if I have to degrade myself to get it. Anyway, next stop was Vienna.

  During my stay in Europe, Michael wanted me to see a few other European cities and travelling from say, Vienna to London or Venice was like taking a flight from Melbourne and Sydney, it was no big deal, I just thought it was weird. So then Michael and I went to Vienna for a few days leaving Annie at home.

  Vienna was beautiful, the architecture and being during Christmas time it felt like pure magic. Every shop window frosted with snow and displaying designer outfits and expensive chocolates, and on every street corner were the Mulled wine vendors. They sold an Austrian sweet red wine which was warmed and had a hint of cinnamon, just magical. All the well dressed and stylish Viennese huddled around the vendors holding a cup of Mulled wine and listening to the buskers play the Blue Danube Waltz. It was a European atmosphere and I felt a long way from home but I still submerged myself in the culture.

  When Christmas Eve arrived the scene outside my bedroom window was a truly magical sight. Way too overwhelming to articulate but it just quite simply felt like Christmas. No barbeques and eating turkey in 30 degree heat here, it was cold but snowing like a moving postcard of a winter wonderland. We spent the evening in front of a log fire toasting marshmallows and drinking a very rich style of Austrian plumb wine, I think it was. Nice but the alcohol content was way over the top. It was simply just nice. I can’t think of any other way of how it feels as an Australian experiencing a European Christmas.

  For New Year’s Eve Michael made plans for me and Gunter to go to Paris for a few days. We left around the 29th or 28th in December in time for the New Year’s Eve celebrations in central Paris. When we arrived, well, what can I say? Paris is quite simply.......well ...very French! It was just like I pictured it to be. The smell of freshly baked croissants in the morning as you stroll through tight cobblestone alleyways is an experience you really have to see for yourself to appreciate why everyone is so crazy about this city. It is beautiful. Paris consumes all your senses, the sights, the smells, the noise and the tastes. My only gripe was it was the touristy of places I have ever been to. I never thought I would ever get the chance to see the Eiffel Tower, but there it was, I was overwhelmed by its magnificent beauty and magnitude.

  Michael, Gunter and I spent the countdown to the New Year at Champs Elyse and there were the usual fireworks display, free champagne, and real champagne for that matter, circulating the streets. It was very French and very chic. I found it strange but I compared the atmosphere of this occasion to back home in Australia. In Melbourne partially, I have heard to the amount of violence and brawls which break out on the streets all fuelled by alcohol. But here, the whole of Paris just celebrated in unity. It was a sea of friendship, all ages and all types of people. There was not an ounce of violence anywhere. The Europeans quite simply are cultured and mature. I think these few idiots in Australia could learn a thing or two about real life and that it is meant to celebrated and not create a ’big -headed bogan’ attitude to everything. Although Australian’s are considered easy going and relaxed we don’t have a recognisable culture. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud to be an Aussie but I’m not proud of those few bogan’s that think life is about downing stubbies of VB all day long. This is the actual impression that Europeans have of Australian’s, I know, because they told me. I’m embarrassed about that and I know that the perfect Aussie male is out there yet to be discovered. I knew that my sexuality what not of the norm, but I wanted to be just a man with no consideration of whether the fact I preferred men mattered or not. I wanted to be an Aussie male, a man, a man who just happened to prefer other men. I did not want to be called gay, I hate the word. I want to be just another guy.

  A few hours later we headed back to the hotel grabbing a baguette on the way and Gunter and I were not ready to retire for the day just yet. So we headed out to a club in central Paris called Le Central. Supposing the most popular and most stylish of the clubs in Paris. Gunter knew Paris like the back of his hand so I trusted him and went with the flow.

  The club was pumping. The people inside were the most super cool people I had ever seen, this was Paris at its hippest. One thing I found a bit difficult to understand was that it was obvious that the crowd included all types of people. That included straight and gay. I questioned this to Gunter and he just laughed at me. I asked why he was laughing and he said “Well, I don’t know about Australia but here in Europe whether you’re gay, straight or even bisexual, nobody gives a damn, in fact being gay, is quite a cool thing” My immediate reaction was that my impression of Europe is that they are well ahead from the rest of the world. Then Gunter surprised me. “Jay.....I know you are gay” he whispered in my ear. I just looked at him. “It’s okay!” he laughed. “I know you are.....and it doesn’t matter.....just have fun!” he said with enthusiasm. I just smiled at him like I was relieved. “So, I am guessing you are straight then Gunter?” I said back. “Yeah I am....I have a girlfriend....are you using your gaydar on me?” he said jokingly. We both just laughed and headed straight to the dance floor. I immediately started to feel a lot more confident about myself. I really have nothing to hide anymore. No longer was the need for denial. It’s all gonna be okay and it’s about time I started to really get down and party and celebrate life.

  To my surprise in the club, cocaine was free flowing everywhere. It was so accessible in there that it was basically handed out on platters. So yes, we could not resist and had to give it a go. But just the one line. Then two. Then three. Then we knew we had to stop as my confidence was getting control of me and was almost flying off the handles. But we were not finished just yet. For recovery we went to a club just around the corner from Le Central called Miss Moneypenny’s. I think this club was a spin off or branch of the popular but cool club in London with the same name. The music was a lot more of an underground housey or garage feel to it so it was perfect for winding down. But tired soon set in so we headed back to the hotel sometime in the early hours of sunrise, I think.

  The couple of days later we left Paris unfortunately. I would have loved to spend more time there but I knew I would be back. We headed back to Salzburg on the bus and on the way we had a few stopovers in some other European cities. We went to a few other places around Europe but they were more like stopovers as it was so quick and fast. It was a bit of a tour but it was like “Whoops! There goes Munich, whoops! There goes Innsbruck” and so on........

  Upon returning to Salzburg, Annie was in a bit of a mood. She was annoying Michael constantly bickering at him. I just don’t know how he handles her and what exactly her problem is. But one thing’s for sure, she did not like me for some reason. When I arrived back in my room and dropped my suitcases I noticed there was a letter on my bed. It was from mum. However I noticed that the letter had been opened. Annie obviously read the letter. How rude. But I read the letter and it was surprisingly quite long. It was Pages in fact. Mum spoke about how much she missed me and that Bob was going to try harder to be a good dad to me. It sounded sincere so I started to cry. A passage written by mother that made me emotional stated this:

  .........when you get home, we must sit and talk, a lot has happened here since you’ve been gone. Dad says that he promises to try and make it up to you, but we will see about that. I have made new rules in this house since the trouble with Sam and you and especially the way he has treated you. He is not allowed to anything to Sam or you or what I want a bit like Aunty Mary and Brendon live. Aunty Mary has been a great help to me since you’ve been gone, although I wished so many times that you were here to help me because I trust you and rely on you, because you are sensible, we will stay only if he keeps his word and says no
thing to you or Sam, if he can’t then we have no option but to leave, and I hope we don’t have to do that, because one day this house will be yours and Sam’s, so you don’t have to worry so much about the future. But if it doesn’t work out you will have all my insurance to share anyway............

  I do not mean for this letter to be so serious or to upset you but I think that you should know what’s going on................................

  All my love

  Your Mum xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  P.s All I know is you and me will sort this out when you get home, once and for all xxx

  I sat on the bed crying and trying to really understand what my mother was trying to say. I knew trouble was brewing back home. I was not looking forward to coming home and I don’t see how that fucking bastard of a monster would change from abusive thing to a loving dad. Are you kidding me? I felt so sorry for having my mother put up with his abuse and got the impression that there was more to this letter than meets the eye. My mother was suffering. For me.

  This was really the only time that I had been away from home for such a long period it actually affected my mother in a way that it was like she was losing her son. I wondered how she was going to react to me actually officially leaving home. That was in the pipeline and in my mind. But I wondered that if Bob really wanted to try and be more like a father figure or if mum was just saying that to make me feel better. I won’t lie, but I really did wish I had a dad. I’m sorry to say that Bob had not yet earned that title. But perhaps he realised after my absence from home that he does actually miss me or perhaps this was just another one of his manipulative schemes to earn the approval of my mother. So to this day, I still have that letter as it moved me quite a lot and got me thinking about family values. I wish Bob and I could start again. Perhaps it was me that had to try harder. I made an oath to myself that I would try and make amends with Bob and that he could have the potential to really be my dad. I wanted that. I wanted to be accepted and cherished and I have never really had a conscious memory of having been loved by a father so I craved for that love. But most of all, I needed it.