Rent Boy Read online

  “Hey Jay, you awake?” he whispered.

  I paused for a second. “Yeah...” I said with a nervous tiny response.

  “Can you sleep?....I can’t, I’m not tired” Daniel said.

  Here comes those thoughts again, I immediately was thinking.

  “No, can’t sleep too” I whispered.

  “Wanna go hunting?” he whispered with enthusiasm.

  Hunting? I thought. Hunting for what? I was thinking. Maybe it was a euphemism for those ‘horrible’ and guilty thoughts of mine. So I obliged. We both carefully got out of our sleeping bags and softly out of the tent taking care not to wake anyone. It felt naughty but I was excited. We didn’t speak and Daniel just proceeded into the bush scrub and I just followed. I had no idea where he was going or what we were going to ‘hunt’. So I had to ask. “What are we looking for?”.

  “Well,...I heard that there are bunyips in the bush and they only come out in night” he whispered.

  What the hell was he talking about?, I thought. So I just went along with it. Although it was dark the moonlight was quite strong so we could see quite well.

  “We’ll stop here” Daniel said.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “If we be quiet then we could hear the bunyips steps” Daniel replied.

  He really believed this was legitimate. He really believed in bunyips. I found it amusing but just went along with it. For about an hour we ended up quietly chatting sitting under a gum tree. Chatting about everything really. Nothing really specific, just boy stuff. Then he shocked me. Out of the blue he asked me if I have started growing hair on my penis.

  “Why do you want to know?” I asked nervously.

  “Oh, cause I have a lot of hair and I think it’s a bit weird that I have so much and all the other guys laugh at me in gym class cause I have so much” he said with a sigh of embarrassment. I had a mixed reaction of thoughts. I felt sorry for him but I also felt aroused. So I said,

  “I have a bit of hair too so it’s not unusual”. “Wanna see?” I said without thinking.

  Without hesitation he said yes. In unison we both took out our penis’s and we both just stared at each other’s. The glimmer of the moonlight made it look so clear although it was dark. We just glared at each other penis for a minute, not saying a word, it was like the whole world just stood still. That one minute felt like an hour. I was enthralled. I just wanted to touch it. So I shoved my feeling of guilt right down so it did not get in the way. I put my hand around his penis and he did the same. We both didn’t say a word but we could hear each other breathing heavily. My heart was pounding and the rush of adrenaline was intense. I was then thinking, god, this is so wrong. It was then like Daniel read my mind and then quickly stopped and in a hurry pulled our pants back up. We then just stared at each other. He looked even more nervous. I was wondering what he was thinking and I think we were both too ashamed to say anything to each other. He then shuffled himself closer to me and gently kissed me on the lips. Again the whole world stood still and it felt like the atmosphere just lit up. It was the most blissful kiss yet felt so masculine. For some reason, something so wrong felt so right. Then he stopped, and apologised. “I’m sorry” he said with shame. I didn’t know what to say. I was paralysed with embarrassment but felt relieved. Relieved that there’s someone else with this disease I call homosexuality.

  “We better head back” Daniel said quickly.

  “Don’t tell anyone about......what we...ummm.... did” he whispered embarrassingly.

  “I won’t” I replied.

  I wanted to say that I wanted to do it again but I couldn’t. This was too wrong and shameful. It just had to stop and I told myself that this would be the last time I do this with another guy.

  The morning after, Daniel acted as if nothing happened. I felt attracted to him and I didn’t know why. It just didn’t make sense that a man could be attracted to another man. It was like it was scientifically incorrect. Only a man and woman could be attracted. That’s just the way it worked in the world. I had to put my feelings aside and told myself that I would get over it and just went about doing all the activities we had to do during our camping weekend.

  On arrival back in Melbourne on the Sunday, all our parents were waiting for us. Mum, Sam and Bob were patiently waiting outside the scout’s community hall waiting for me to get off the bus. “How did it go sweetie?” Mum asked with a warm smile.

  “Umm...good!” I jumped in.

  Then Bob spoke.

  “Maybe we’ll see some hair on that chest of yours now!” he said sarcastically.

  My instant reaction in my mind was, Fuck off you arsehole! But of course I couldn’t say that. I remember when Bob said to me that this weekend would make me a man. Ironically, I actually did feel like a man. I also felt more resilient to Bob. I felt like whatever he thought of me didn’t matter anymore. I really did feel stronger. Like I survived the bush and did ‘manly’ things. This should shut Bob up for a while however I wanted drop a bombshell. I wanted to quit scouts. I wanted to quit because I did what I set out to do and that was to do this camp and prove to Bob that I can be tough and I did it. I also wanted to quit because I just can’t be in those intimate situations again with other guys. I was scared it would happen again and someone would find out. I had to quit but I will tell Mum and Bob later. Not now.

  …………………………………...

  Scouts continued for a while. I guess I just went along with it too scared to say to Bob that I really did not want to go anymore. But it was not all doom and gloom though. Scout’s was in fact a little bit fun and not as ‘nerdy’ as other thought it to be. Not long after the first scouts camp I went on, about a couple of weeks later the big apparent big event was about to happen. All the scouts were talking about it with enthusiasm like as if the Olympics were coming to Melbourne. It was the international scouts Jamboree. ‘Oh, yippee’ I thought to myself sarcastically. This just sounded like a poof-fest to me and oh, so corny! The reality was that it was an event where scouts groups from all over Australia and the entire world came to meet in one location, which was different each year, and celebrated being a scout. Yes I know, it sounds, well.....ummm.....whatever! But I could not really ‘knock it’ as I never been to a Jamboree before. I would have to see for myself.

  So the annual scouts Jamboree came to Melbourne, meeting in the large park next to the Melbourne Zoo in fact. When we arrived, in our pack, with our uniforms on and toggles on tightly, I was quite amazed as the amount of people there. I did not expect the whole world of scouts to be there, but there was, literally! The place was jam packed. The uniforms all different yet still had similarities in its fashion. Almost every nation was represented there. From Austria to Ukraine. Scouts from everywhere. I suddenly became scared. There so many scouts, so many people I was just not prepared for this.

  We all had our camp spots on the oval, all in our little scout groups, all having a couple of tents and campfire. During the day there were the usual scout activities that we all had to join in and do in rotation. Everything from knot ties to kite making. I joined in every activity but was quite shy. I don’t know why, I just was. All the other scouts seemed to have such outgoing personalities. I just sort of was a bit of a wallflower. I don’t know why, I was just shy about this whole thing. There was just so many people there, all strangers to me apart from my scout pack. The fact that I was surrounded by unfamiliar faces made me feel scared and unconfident. Around the campfire at night I never spoke. All the others were so chatty. Talking to one another, mixing in with the other scouts groups talking about their country and culture. I was so keen to join in a conversation, with anyone. Everyone seemed to ignore me and I was too shy to just join in a conversation. So I sat in front of the campfire alone mostly. No one really wanted to talk to me, I don’t know why. I mean, I look pretty much the same as all the others, I don’t think I look weird. Or do I? One of the scout leaders noticed I was sitting alone and stared at me from a dist
ance. I noticed him staring but I looked away pretending that I was not noticing him looking at me. Then he approached me and said “You know Jamie, you are just so loud” he said in an Aussie kind of way.

  “What?” I said confusingly.

  “You’re too chatty!” he said. I think he was being sarcastic.

  I didn’t respond I just nodded my head to agree with the fact that I was just not very social. He walked off. I just sat there wishing I could just go home. I’m going to have to give up scouts, this was just not my thing.

  ..................................................................................................

  A few weeks later at school we had the opportunity to go on a school camp to Bendigo in country Victoria. About three hours’ drive from Melbourne. But this camp was a bit more luxurious compared to the scout’s camp. We stayed in bungalows and there was a dining hall and a proper bathroom. Prior to the camp it was the talk of the school. Everyone was getting excited. Another thing too was we were all planning who we were all going to ‘get on’ with. It was like we were a bunch of over sexed teenagers discovering our sexuality. I felt like this was my opportunity to mask my ‘homo’ thoughts. There was girl named Diana who was keen on me. She was attractive, for a girl, so I planned to ‘get on’ with her at camp. Thinking about it now, I don’t know why we had to plan to kiss someone. But I guess its cause something as intimate as kissing someone of the opposite sex was sacred and a big deal at that age.

  At school camp everything ran like clockwork. We unpacked our bags, had lunch, played games and so on. Then the night came. The night we had to ‘get on’ with our girl we chose. I dreaded it. The thought made me sick to my stomach and I could not understand why. Not everyone had the privilege to ‘get on’ with someone; it was just the cool kids. The nerds actually just watched, like they were perverts. That night after dinner, everyone snuck behind the back of the bungalows and that was the plan that secretly circulated amongst the school group. The teachers had no idea. They all just thought we all went to bed. I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up. We all proceeded to the back of the bungalows and it was strange. The guys all lined up and their girl of choice, one by one, came up to their guys, put their arms around their neck and kissed passionately with their mouths open and tongues going crazy. Oh my god, I was thinking. I can’t do this. But I had to. I have to prove that I was normal like all the other guys.

  The nerds gathered around a few metres away glaring like they were watching a pornographic movie. It was weird. Then it was my turn. Diana came up to me, put her arms around my neck, I put my hands on her hips and kissed her. She put her tongue in my mouth and I just could not do the same. It felt terrible. She was enjoying it but I hated it and I wanted it to stop. I just kept thinking stop, stop, stop. While we were kissing she grabbed my hand and put it down her pants. She wanted me to finger her vagina. I wanted to be sick. She kept on pushing my finger into her vagina and I will never forget the disgusting warm moist fleshy feel. This was the most grotesque thing I have ever experienced. But I pretended I was enjoying it. The nerds were getting off on it and were cheering like they were watching a football game. This was ridiculous. Is this what heterosexual sex was all about? I felt like Diana and I were putting on a show then without warning a teacher came around from behind the bungalow with a torch.

  “What the hell is going on?!” the teacher yelled.

  We stopped. I took my hand out Diana’s pants and wiped it on my pants. Everyone scattered and ran away. The teacher shone the torch in Diana’s and my face. We were busted big time. We instantly got detention assigned to us to complete once we get back to school. But the worst part is that now this event was the news of the school.

  “Jay fingered Diana and got busted!!!”

  That’s what everyone in the school was talking about. So when we got back to school we had to go to an hour’s detention every day after school for a week. However the rumours changed in the school. Diana went around telling everyone that I did not put my tongue in her mouth. This of course made everyone call me a ‘frigid’, which meant someone afraid of sex. Although it was true, I was not a ‘frigid’. At least not a ‘frigid’ in gay terms. But it was true I was terrified of sex with girls. In fact, the thought of having sex with a girl made me sick to my stomach but I knew that this feeling was not normal. I had to overcome my affection to men and tried so very hard to think about female ‘tits’ and ‘vagina’s’ and tell myself that I liked them. But it never worked. It could just not turn me on. So the rumours soon spread that I could be a ‘poof’. It didn’t really bother me though. It was only the jocks that called me a poof, all because I didn’t put my tongue in a girl’s mouth. Personally I could not think of anything worse. I didn’t care.

  Later in the year it was compulsory that all year ten students do work experience for two weeks twice a year, one lot in semester one and the next in semester two.. I managed to get an opportunity of a lifetime in semester two. The first work experience program I did was for an administration company, very boring so I won’t even bother talking about it but in semester two the magic happened. My mum happened to be friends with someone at her work that was the wife of a special effects director at channel two studios or the ABC as it’s called. She arranged for me to do work experience at channel two. This was really exciting as students have tried to get work experience at television studios before and couldn’t as they never allowed students in the studios. So I got a rare opportunity. Everyone was envious. Everyone else did boring stuff like working as a plumber’s assistant, or office assistant while I got to work with a special effects director at a TV studio. Jealousy filled the school and it was like they put me on a pedestal with envy. Jay got to work at a television studio! While doing work experience at channel two I got to see behind the scenes on two of the biggest shows during that era. One was a comedy show called ‘The Big Gig’, the other was a music show called ‘Countdown Revolution’. It was an exciting two weeks. I got to meet stars of the show, ate lunch with them and saw the technicalities of how a TV show was put together. I also had coffee with the TV stars and crew. I never had coffee before and I loved it. The taste was unique and gave me an instant soft buzz. I felt guilty but very hip, drinking coffee with the TV crew and TV stars. If only my school friends could see me now. Everyone on the TV set were drinking coffee all the time and I did the same. It was part of the atmosphere for all the crew to be rushing around the set. It was organised madness. Now more than ever I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Something in film or television but with an artistic edge.

  Upon returning from our work experience programs after the two weeks we all assembled in our team meeting as per usual Monday mornings and spoke about our experience one by one in front of the class. As expected I was the envy of all the other students and felt quite proud of that. Not because I felt I was the centre of attention but because I really knew what I wanted to do with my life and really had a true grasp of my passion. I was very proud of the fact that I knew my calling and I wanted the world to know. In the school newsletter released on that Monday afternoon, as per usual, I was the front headline of the school newsletter. The teachers, students and other parents saw this as a big deal and even the school principle showed his enthusiasm too. It must make the school look good, I guess. But it was a special moment for me. I felt famous, yet quite humble. The positivity of my attitude grew to confidence as I knew my direction and now more than ever not even Bob can take that away from me. I felt stronger, confident, and like a young man.

  Wednesday, ‘hump day’, came along that week and it was a good week. Bob was on afternoon shift at work so that meant he and mum, as usual, would not be at home when we get home from school. Sam and I loved it when he was on afternoon shift. It was not as if Sam and I ran a muck of the house, but we had more freedom. We did however broke all the house rules, which we called Bob’s Law, such as eating in the lounge room, which was forbidden, eating more than the a
llowed maximum of 2 cookies and a glass of milk, we ate more than 2 cookies and then perhaps a bowl of 2 minute noodles. This was also forbidden.

  Sam and I even did naughty boys things like one day we saw Bob left a packet of cigarettes on the kitchen bench so just for the thrill of it, we each smoked a cigarette just to see what it was like. It was disgusting and we never did it again. It felt cool though and luckily Bob and mum never suspected anything, we think. Also we watched videos, which Bob forbid before dinner. Don’t ask why, we don’t even know why. He just wanted total control and discipline. It was obvious he was a sadistic bastard that demanded respect and to be a ‘yes’ man. ‘Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir....”. That kind of thing. The theory was, if we wanted something we had to practically beg for it. His other theory was that children should be seen and not heard and definitely not spoilt, even if that meant giving allowing three cookies instead of two. He also counted the amount of cookies in the jar on a daily basis to make sure we didn’t eat more than two a day. But most of all I loved it when Bob was not there cause it meant I would not have to deal with his verbal abuse which was on a daily basis, constantly. The verbal abuse would be the usual situation where I turn my back and walk to another room whilst he calls me a ‘bastard’, or’ arsehole’ or ‘poofter’. I did however get used to it by then, it was like second nature. Or perhaps I was just growing a thick skin by then as he did it so often. Usually when he was drunk. Overall he was just a sick bastard.

  That day I decided to make a coffee after school. Something I had never done before because Sam and I were forbidden to use the kettle at home. What I really wanted was the cafe style ‘real’ coffee I had during my work experience but I guess instant would have had to do. I knew I was playing with fire by using the kettle but as Bob was not home I was safe as houses. So I made my coffee and took it back to my room and continued to work on my artwork like I usually did with enthusiasm. Working on my art was like blocking out the world even if the work I was doing was just pure crap. I didn’t care, I just enjoyed expressing myself in private. Suddenly I heard the familiar sound of a car pulling up in our driveway. The driveway was actually parallel next to my bedroom window and I could always see the cars parked there. I looked out the window not expecting what I expected. It was Bob’s car. He was home early. My heart dropped. I had no time to think but my instant reaction was to get to that kettle and cool it down before he finds out. Or I’m dead. So I rushed to the kitchen in a panic, grabbed the kettle, poured out the hot water, filled it with cold. I also tried to run the hot kettle with cold water to cool it down. Then I heard Bob jiggling the house keys and intensely inserting the key into the house door. I had to be quick like thunder. I wiped down the kettle to dry the water off. Bob entered the house but I was in the kitchen so he couldn’t see me yet. I rushed back to my room in tippy toes thinking that it was all okay. He will never guess I used the kettle. It was going to be fine. So I started to relax and my heart stopped pounding.