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  “Fuck off; look but don’t touch”.

  But he loved it. He loved the attention.

  He never understood why he gave guys so much attitude, but not towards girls. Guys turned him on, yet he always wanted to display dominance and he hated them. It was not jealously, it was like he had some sort of grudge against them.

  As the drug gets more and more intense he felt like sex on legs but all I wanted to do was dance. The sporadic flashes of strobe lights and the odd spray of glitter over the crowd made it feel like he was in heaven and he felt like a superstar. All eyes were on him, so he thought, and he wanted more. It became overwhelming for him but he persevered. The body heat on the dance floor began to make sweat drip down his chest and abs. It felt good. It was unbelievable.

  As he swings his sexy hips with his trademark moves, that always caught the attention of everyone surrounding him, he hears a familiar faint scream in the background. It was his best friend at the time; his best clubbing buddy; Kim. She calls out his name repeatedly over the top of the loud music.

  He instantly recognized the lovable scream and turned around to hug and kiss her like a best friend would. Kim was a stunning Asian beauty with a personality that lit up any room. Everyone loved her. Everyone also thought that he and she were an item. They never were; they were just best mates, so to speak. She had a boyfriend anyway who was also a lovely guy too. He too was also a bit of a muscular ‘hotty’ as well, but he never told Kim that. He was also just one of his clubbing friends along with the rest of his crew.

  Every weekend it was all six of his friends, clubbing and partying together. They usually arrived at the clubs separately and met each other there and usually left together to a recovery club at nine am, or even twelve pm on a Sunday. They partied hard, and non-stop. They were out of control but in control. It was the clubs, dance parties and the chemical induced ‘love’ that bonded their friendship. It was quite superficial but they actually loved each other’s company; mainly if they were in a club or dance party.

  Kim stepped onto the dance floor with her shiny back knee-high boots, and wearing a tight pair of hot-pants that would even make Kylie Minogue envious. He looks at her smiling face as they both dance towards each other and then hug each other tightly.

  “Your eyes are huge,” Kim yells into his ear over the top of the pounding music.

  “Yours too baby,” he yells into her ear as the music was so loud.

  “No I already had one!” Kim replies as she couldn’t really hear what he said.

  “No I mean your EYES are big too!” he yells a bit louder in Kim’s ear so she could hear.

  “Oh…uh….I think it’s after midnight!” Kim replies with a confused look on her face.

  He shakes his head, laughs a bit and gives up as she was probably already out of it and she can’t hear over the loud music. So he just smiles at her.

  “Your eyes!” Kim yells.

  “What about ‘em?’ he replies

  “But they are still gorgeous…..just like you,” she replies with a genuine smile.

  He gives her a friendly kiss and she pops another ecstasy pill into his mouth. This was his second one and thought it may be too much. But he thought “Stuff it”. Kim’s boyfriend was watching them both from the edge of the dance-floor. He never shows a look of jealousy but he was really watching them like hawks. He trusts Kim; but not really. Their relationship was a bit of a contradiction.

  They begin to dance opposite each other as Kim innocently places her warm hands over his chest and slowly slipping them down his washboard abs. He knew it was just Kim’s innocent and friendly flirty behaviour. But he also knew that there was something sexual about it too. They never spoke about it, but they would be lying if there was no hint of sexual attraction there.

  As the night progresses and the drugs were doing their best, the music appeared to get louder and louder. The lights filled the room making it look immaculate. The energy and love in the club was so intense that it permeated into a warm fuzzy feeling all over. It was like having a constant orgasm for hours and hours. He didn’t want it to stop and could not wipe the smile off his face.

  The bass also seemed to get harder and faster as their hearts pumped parallel to the beat. Or perhaps it was the drugs? Then Kim’s boyfriend’s ‘e’ kicked in, and then he jumped in between them to surprise them and a friendly gesture, he hugged them both. They couldn’t stop dancing and the music was so loud that it was no use to even try and chat. Before they knew it the rest of the group of friends came one by one on the dance floor, hugging and kissing each of them. They were all so out of it by this stage that they didn’t speak. They just danced and smiled. Finally the ‘party-crew’ were all together. Melbourne’s hard-core party animals and boy, did they know how to party.

  By 3 am the intensity of the club got steamier and sweatier. The floor was covered in talcum powder and sweat. The white’s in everyone’s eyes glowed and every clubber in the room had a subtle smile on their face, some with their eyes rolling back in their heads with extreme euphoria. The room was filled with love and it overwhelming. He felt like he had died and gone to heaven and it felt so damn good and sexual.

  He kept thinking to himself that he wish I could feel like this forever. They were all in eye distance of one another but all dancing in a world of their own. His mind in euphoria began to wander and suddenly he had a flashback about a time his father slapped him across the face. His smile slowly dissipates into a frown and the flashbacks kept creeping into his head.

  Then he thought of the time his father raped him in his sleep. He will never forget that horrible trauma and this is a secret he has been keeping for so long. He hated him and visualising his face made him physically sick. He could hear his father’s voice in his head calling him those awful names he always used to call him. Words like;

  “Poofter!”

  “Arsehole!”

  “You little ungrateful bastard!”

  He guesses that would account for his hatred towards men. Pretty obvious now; isn’t it?

  He tries to erase it from his head but he thinks his ecstasy pill was wearing off which was causing the horrible thoughts. So he pops another ‘e’ on the dance-floor. He had to; just to make him happy again. It was a pathetic act but he never gave it a second thought at the time.

  His clubbing friends were kind of scattered around the jam packed dance floor, but they were all in eye distance of each other and as they dance their arses off they smiled at each other. It was like talking without sound. They knew what each other was thinking. They felt immortal; like nothing can hurt them.

  The music tempo got heavier and more full-on as they switched from deep house to tech house. This was house music with a ‘techy’, and sexy, edge to it. They called it dirty house.

  This club is all about house music. But not just any old house music. No ‘Top 40’ commercial crap either! They play dance music on the radio and have the nerve to call it house. How dare they! This was like true clubbing blasphemy. This club has seen ’real’ house DJ’s like Ralph Falcon, Frankie Knuckles, Derrick Carter and Danny Tenaglia. These are talented DJ’s with the tunes to rock the house down and they do every time. Apart from the drugs it was all about the music. It had to be cool and only underground.

  ‘REAL house’ music is underground stuff. Chicago house, Detroit house, hard house, deep house, garage and the one that makes the room go off; tech house with a dirty, filthy, sexy bass-line that pumps and thumps, and feels like sex. This was underground house at its best and only at this club at that moment would you hear this fantastic underground hip swinging music that rocked your soul.

  At the peak of their pills they thought it was time for another and all six of them, in unison, just popped another pill on the dance floor. Everyone else seemed to do the same. It was like they were the leaders of the club; like they were in charge and the other clubbers just followed the ‘cool-crew’. The gram of speed he snorted hours ago was still in full force and
made the effect of the ecstasy more intense but fantastically euphoric that it is hard to articulate such a great feeling.

  He was also told by people around him on the dance floor about how much of a good dancer he was. He will admit to that though; he actually was and it certainly got many clubbers attention. The more euphoric he felt, the more awesome the music seemed to get. He was dancing out of control but with smooth sexiness that guys could not help but place their hands on his body. A small handful of guys stared at him with a dirty look; like they were jealous of his rock hard abs and bulging chest and biceps. He couldn’t give a fuck though. Many of them were ‘hot-as’ but he resisted.

  He had a thing for giving a bit of attitude to guys, but with girls, he loved the attention and never fobbed them off. He really likes only straight or ‘bi’ guys. Any sign of flamboyance would make him feel sick to his stomach. It was like he craved the attention of men but hated them at the same time. It never occurred to him at that stage why that was the case. He flirted a little as well with the guys, and with a slight bit of attitude he later tells them to “Fuck off”. It felt like it gave him power and dominance.

  He just wanted to dance and that’s exactly what he did until 6 am when all six of them chilled out in a dark corner of the club, snorting more lines of speed, and popping more e’s with raspberry water. Suddenly Kim jumps off the couch with a burst of energy.

  “Recovery peoples!!!!” Kim shouts as they were lying all over each other on one of the clubs velvet couches.

  “Uranus!.....let’s go……paaaaarty…!” someone shouts.

  The rest of the crew giggle with excitement and they danced their way out of the club, hand in hand in a chain, like they were all linked together as friends. They were Melbourne’s clubbing elite. Then surprise, surprise; they all took another pill.

  They catch a taxi off St Kilda road. The cab driver looks at them strangely as they all packed in. All six of them squashed in like sardines. Their sweaty bodies rubbing up against each other and they were in such a good mood. It was daylight and it felt so good to be alive. He wished he felt like that forever.

  Kim’s boyfriend took out a couple of packets of speed and gave each of them some in the palms of their hands. They just gulped it down. The cab driver noticed and slows the cab down slightly.

  “No doin’ drugs in my cab!” he yelled in an Indian accent.

  “It’s not drugs!....they ARE…… vitamins!” Kim replies in an assertive but friendly voice.

  They all tried not to laugh but the idiot cab driver actually believed her. How naive people are in society, he thinks to himself.

  As they drove down commercial road that led to the recovery club he sees pedestrians on the footpath. They were young happy families wandering down the street. It looked harmonious. Kim said “Oh my god, have a look at all the ‘normal’ people!”

  “Yeah….its pathetic….and sooooo boring,” Kim’s boyfriend replied in an ‘out-of-it’ voice.

  They all laugh with a drug-fucked giggle. He laughs along with them whilst he was really thinking what it must be like to have a son or daughter that you love and care for. He looks at the young families on the street with both admiration and jealously. He knew he would never have kids and he didn’t really have the desire to. He just wished he had a loving father. He never had that experience of playing football or cricket with a loving dad. Nobody, not even his clubbing friend knew about his secret. This was a missing piece in his life and he hated himself for it. He was totally ashamed not to have had a real father figure that actually loved him. He only received the love of my mother who adored him, and he adored her. He was, and is, a mummy’s boy and that boy was me; Jay beau Andrews.

  ‘Uranus Recovery Club’, Prahran, Melbourne, 15th February, 2000, 6:25 am

  In a few minutes they arrive at the recovery club called ‘Uranus’. Strange, clichéd name for a nightclub, but it was the ‘in’ place to be when you were cool and still partying. This was the perfect time to arrive when the club is pumping. Anybody who arrives at this club earlier than 5 am was considered uncool. This sudden excitement immediately eradicated any bad thoughts in his mind and it was ‘slap-bang’ into party mode. This was one club that was considered the coolest of the cool during that time. It was a spin-off club from the infamous ‘Tasty’ nightclub that got closed down from that controversial drug raid. But Uranus was unique. The rear back alley entrance was like a lead way to a dirty, sexy house of hard-core clubbers, and only the ultra-cool would be allowed to go in.

  They never had to wait in a queue. The general rule was if you were beautiful and the bouncer liked you, you were in. They were always in, as they were considered part of the beautiful people of Melbourne’s party scene.

  Once inside from the burning summer sunshine they walk into a dark passage that led to a packed out room of hot bodies, models, famous actors; Melbourne’s elite people were here. All in a world of their own and dancing their arses off. They never wasted any time and went straight to the dance floor. The music rocked and then it was the thought of the fact that they survived another Saturday night, and now it is just after 6 am on a Sunday, made the feeling like an achievement.

  The room was always very dark with the odd flash of a strobe light. It dirty, sexy, filthy, somewhat tacky but in a very cool way. It was Uranus; and this was the place to be on Sunday morning; trashed out of your mind and partying till you drop; literally.

  A hot guy and what looked like his girlfriend made eye contact with him. The hot guys eyes were glued to his pumped up and bronzed torso. He was also solid and muscular, blond and tanned. She was thin and tanned and long blond hair. He wanted to fuck them both right there and then but he plays it cool and acted aloof. He just wanted to dance anyway. They both subtly dance closer towards him and he turns his back to the guy as he places his hands on his chest. He got goose-bumps all over. His girlfriend from behind began to nibble his ear and whispered

  “You’re hot”

  “You into threesomes?” she said in a husky voice.

  “Yeah…..but right now…..I am dancing,” he replies with a subtle bit of attitude.

  The hot guy squeezes his pec muscles from behind, and then gently rubs his hand on his crotch. He could feel his hard-on on the back of his bum through his jeans. It was turning him on something shocking. He thought I was going to melt. He was in complete and utter heaven and thought he was going to die.

  In an instant moment of action he patted his bum and nodded his head at the hot guy, towards the men toilets. Discreetly he follows him in. He waited by the wash taps until the other clubbers emptied out of sight and they both stood at opposite ends of the men’s room staring at each other for a few moments, but feeling a sense of guilt. Without even thinking they rush into a toilet cubicle and they immediately jumped in. The hot guy slammed the door behind him. They both began to breathe heavier and the intensity grew to a point of utter and complete lust. Then they just went for it. It was the hottest, trashiest, steamiest sex you can imagine and the best twenty minutes they think they ever had. Then it was over.

  As they both pull their jeans up the hot guy said “Cheers mate”,

  Then he walked back into the club; back to his girlfriend. This was just another act of debauchery at this infamous recovery club, there was no gay or straight or bisexual. Everyone was just sexual and un-labelled clubbers. But he was out of control and couldn’t give a fuck.

  ……………………………….

  Later he, the hot guy and his girlfriend danced together into some sort of clothed sexual act. It was anything goes at this club so nobody cared. There were so many dark corners that people used them freely to have full on sex in them and nobody cared. People snorted lines of speed and cocaine on the bar. People popping ecstasy pills, one after the other on the dance floor. It was a day recovery club and everyone partied well into late Sunday afternoon.

  In a spontaneous act of sudden impact he dances away from the couple and took a breather
for a moment where Kim and her boyfriend were laying over a couch looking totally trashed. They all look at each other. They didn’t need to talk. They were all too out of it, with a bit of a sore back but still feeling so good. He sips his water with raspberry and felt the peak of his ‘e’ was starting to drop. He looks at his watch and it was two pm. It only felt like he was dancing for five minutes. He thought he was crazy. He probably was because of the drugs. They all were.

  The club began to slowly empty as well as the mood. It was obvious that everyone’s drugs were wearing off and it was time to call it a weekend. By four pm the club was almost empty but he just wanted to dance once more for the road; just to finish off the weekend. His energy started to turn into wobbly legs and a slow decline in mood that felt like a wave of depression.

  He began to get those horrible thoughts of his dad and the way he used to punish him, for no reason. The flashbacks ranging from a slap to the head, the name calling or being whipped with a piece of rope came into his head in an anarchic manner. He tries to look happy but couldn’t. So he stops dancing. Then the dance-floor was empty. The six friends and he were spread out over the couches and on the floor totally trashed out of their minds. This is the part they hated. The come-down.

  We just sat there looking into air. They couldn’t speak. They couldn’t think. They felt like crap and they could not even bear to look at each other. Then the music stopped and the lights in the club went up. It was time to go home.

  …………………………………….

  4:50 pm he staggers inside his home that he was sharing with two other flatmates. They were both watching TV and took a good look at him, totally trashed and walking with wobbly legs. The music was still playing loud and clear in his head.

  “Another big night I take it?” Andrew, one of his housemates, said.

  “Can’t talk coming down,” he replies like a robot in a deep even tone.